DeWitt column: The Cucumber Patch Kid

Columns share an author’s personal perspective.*****Sometime back in the early 1970s, when the drugs and the love were free, my parents decided to conceive me in a cucumber patch.Well, perhaps I should clarify that statement a bit. I don’t think I was actually conceived in a cucumber field that steamy summer. The man that would… … Read More


DeWitt column: Good bras make for good neighbors

Columns share an author’s personal perspective.*****Forget borrowing a cup of sugar; when “country” neighbors come over, they bring a cup of trouble.Among the many reasons why I love my corner of rural Small Town America is that we don’t get much social unrest. Change and progress are good things, mind you, but around here most… … Read More


DeWitt column: Confessions of a back row Baptist

Columns share an author’s personal perspective.*****Author’s note: This story was originally published in “Saying Grace Over Edible Underwear.” Some names have been changed to protect the innocent – and the ugly.Cousin Zach was always getting into mischief with authority figures like school principals and game wardens. Maybe that’s why Granny hauled him and a couple… … Read More


DeWitt column: Dear Dad: Apologies of a wayward son

Columns share an author’s personal perspective.*****Dear Dad,Despite the many spanking incidents that we have enjoyed together over the course of my childhood, you have been a pretty good father. With those spankings in mind, and the Father’s Day holiday just ahead, I have decided to write this letter of apology because, let’s face it, Pops,… … Read More

DeWitt column: Family fishing ain’t for the faint of heart

For those who may be blissfully ignorant of such matters, there are basically two types of fishing: serious fishing and family fishing.Serious fishing occurs when a devoted angler ventures out into the wild alone, with no distractions, with only one quest in mind: to catch fish. It’s man vs. nature in an almost spiritual battle.… … Read More


DeWitt column: Dear Mr. Census Man

Dear Mr. Census Man,I have received your Census letter. All five of them, in fact. I sure hope my tax dollars aren’t paying for all that correspondence, but our multi-trillion dollar deficit isn’t why I am writing to you. I personally take offense to your letter, and on behalf of my people – a people… … Read More


DeWitt column: The church walls are thin

Author’s Note: The basic plot of this story was told to me by older relatives, who surprisingly did not turn out to be felons or psychopaths as adults. However, names have been changed to protect the sinful.It is a hopeful Sunday morning at old Hopewell Baptist Church. There is hope among the righteous that someone… … Read More


DeWitt column: Living on Southern Time

Editor’s note: An earlier version of this column was originally published in “Saying Grace Over Edible Underwear,” 2016.If my wife, Sparky, ever leaves me, it won’t be because of the dazzling good looks that make me the target of other women’s desires, nor will it be the fact that I’m always right about everything. It… … Read More


DeWitt column: Don’t take the baby in the liquor store

When it comes to drinking alcohol, there are three types of people in this world: those who oppose it, those who are in favor of it, and those who live in the South.Perhaps no other region has quite as complicated and convoluted a relationship with alcohol as we do in the South. “Up north” and… … Read More


DeWitt column: The burden of ‘Ma’am’

My wife once spanked our child for committing a household felony, and when she was done the lad said, “Thank you, ma’am.” That is when you know you have done Southern parenting right.From a teetering, toddling age we are taught – nay, we are drilled – respect and manners, sometimes by repetition, sometimes at the… … Read More